When you are the subject of gossip

I’ve never really been all that keen on spreading nasty gossip about other people.  I’ll complain with the best of them when there’s something that I think doesn’t match up to the values a company or person is meant to stand for, or where there is a promise broken or a lie told.  But I won’t buy into gossip about someone, especially if I’ve never even met them.

However, that doesn’t mean I’ve never been the subject of gossip.  I imagine that most people have been the subject of gossip at some time in their lives.  Sometimes you find out about the gossip; other times you don’t.  I am fortunate enough to have a number of close friends who will tell me what others are saying (although I often wish I didn’t know what this was – is knowledge really power?)

I know that I’m doing this blog anonymously, but I’ll tell you a couple of things about me:  I’m 39, female and single.  This means that, the last two times I have joined organisations, one of the big rumours about me is that I might be a lesbian.  This one amuses me mainly, and I figure that my sex life (or, sadly, lack thereof) isn’t anyone’s business but my own.  Now, I’m not a lesbian.  But it goes to show that people spend their time speculating in ways that make no sense and will give no-one any real satisfaction.  And, let’s face it, this isn’t a particularly damaging rumour in the scheme of things (unless John Cusack or Hugh Jackman were planning to ask me out, but are confused by all those rumours).  Plus, it makes me feel a little like that red-headed chick, Marcia Cross, from Desperate Housewives, who was plagued by similar rumours and complained that, just because she was single and 40, everyone figured she must be a lesbian.  Now she’s married with a baby, so you sure showed them, girlfriend!

However, there are other, nastier rumours that seem to raise their ugly heads, and often it’s hard to know what to do about them when they come to your attention.  In one way, hearing rumours about yourself proves you have a profile: if people you have never met are gossiping about you, or have an opinion about you, then at least people know who you are!

Here are some rumours I’ve heard about myself:

1. I was fired from my last job (untrue!  The truth is that I was offered a role and turned it down, walking away with goodwill and a large pay-out after my old role became redundant).

2. They took months to get rid of me in my old company (untrue!  we agreed that, after my old job was made redundant, I would move to other work in the business while they looked for a suitable alternative role for me)

3. I hold a grudge (untrue!  I tend to always try and see the other person’s side, and am pragmatic about why and how people make decisions.  Those who work closely with me tell me I’m tough but fair; and that I have a lot of compassion)

4. I fired a friend of someone I’ve never met (once again, when I got to the bottom of this bizarre rumour, I found out that the person I supposedly fired had never even worked for me!)

There are plenty of others, and hearing rumours about myself makes me even more sceptical about things I hear about people I don’t know.  I will always try and give someone the benefit of the doubt, and take everything that’s said with a grain of salt.  If someone wants to say something nasty about someone to me, I’ll turn them away.  Life and business is tough enough without having to field opinions that are irrelevant.

I found out this last week that there’s another rumour going around about me: that I pressured someone into taking a job with me.  The circumstances were that this person who I offered the role really hated where she worked.  Everyone else was leaving, and she didn’t want to be the last to jump ship.  So, we offered her a job.  She ummed and ahhhed for a while, and we waited some weeks for her to make up her mind.  She eventually said yes, and was thrilled to know she was joining us.

When she went to her law firm to resign, the partner kept her in his office for hours.  He, apparently, cried.  She might have too.  Anyhow, the next thing I know, I got an email from the partner asking me not to contact her and to let her make up her mind about whether she wanted the job.  The email made it very much seem like we had put undue pressure on her.

Now, maybe she was someone who felt the pressure.  I really soul-searched about this, but my team and I went over our conversations with her, and believe we gave her plenty of space to make a good decision.  Of course, there’s always that doubt, where you wonder if you’ve been misinterpreted, but I guess that’s life.

The girl didn’t take our job in the end (I offered to withdraw our offer to make it easier on her) and she’s admitted she’ll probably regret it.  But someone from the firm told someone outside about what they think happened.  And now there’s that rumour.

The thing is, there’s nothing I can do.  If I respond or react, it makes the rumour seem bigger than it should be.  I can’t defend myself: the girl told us many things about how she hates her current job in confidence.  I can’t tell her law firm this – and they want to believe that the only reason she’d take another job is because she was pressured.  It’s probably pretty convenient from her perspective to let them think this.

And so the rumour goes…

Next time, I really recommend that, when you hear some nasty gossip about someone, let it pass you by.  I know I will bcause, chances are there’s not a word of truth in it.