Cave-in

So, we ran the case…the one to test whether what I had done was right or wrong…and lost.  Big time.  It could cost the organisation tens of millions…And now I feel it’s all my fault.  Trying to keep breathing.  Trying to forget, really…and not doing such a bad job of that.  I know there were plenty of others involved, that I need a balanced perspective or I WILL end up wearing the blame, and others who were there, pushing, making bad decisions will find me an easy target.

The Directors went ballistic, as did Dumb Boss.  I had a meaningful discussion with one of DB’s colleagues about being prepared to go – for a price.  Dreams of my year off were reinvigorated.  Budgets prepared for up to 2 years without a job.  A friend offered to buy my house.

Dumb Boss called me to a meeting – was this to be it?  Apparently not.  He was calm and understanding.  No sign of being got rid of yet, however much I might want it.  Why is he reasonable when I least want him to be?

Got word today that a couple of nasty individuals in the industry are spreading rumours that I should be fired…this is people who have barely met me!  But people who wanted my job.  Life is funny, eh?  Oddly, at the moment, I could care less.  Just get on with it.  Keep doing your job, I say to myself, and pray this doesn’t blow up to be any bigger than it is already. 

I can’t believe that doing my job is costing me my reputation…it seems so unfair, esp being judged by people who couldn’t cope even half as well in a crisis, whose integrity is questionable at the best of times.  For some reason, I am seeing my career as if an observer – this is the crossroads for me.  Will I stay, or will I go?

I could really do with the time off.  To renew myself and find my way.  I can’t stay much longer in this den of nastiness.